Ohh Shut Up !!!

Being back to my favourite avocation after quite a long hiatus , I somehow find myself handcuffed by a few thoughts which are sadly playing dampeners , untiringly endeavouring to dilute my rather high spirits to release this post. The meatier of the two negative thoughts being ' What if the write up paints a prudish picture of me which might eventually grimace and pour scorn on the very attitude of my friends and peers. The other one which is badgering me into quitting this post is ' Isn't it too late for this preachy crap to be out ? '

Well, I really do not know how powerful and concrete the above dampeners are !! All I know at this moment is perhaps the swelling river of impatience in me has just crossed the final danger mark , completely collapsing the floodgates of patience which kept monitoring it for years !!

Not being co educationally schooled, I wasn't probably exposed to this behavior among friends, which came across as weird in the beginning but which gradually transformed into something deeply detestable.

My first experience happened during my first year of engineering when I surreptitiously managed to occupy one of the window seats in my college bus trying my best not to attract the attention of a menacing gang of so called 'seniors' who arrogantly occupied the rear-most string of seats in the bus, desperately waiting to pounce upon juniors and make belittling and derogatory remarks about them ( an act considered a fundamental right of every senior in college).

A minute after I occupied my seat, a girl got in and due to the cramped seating arrangement in the bus, chose to stand all throughout the journey to college. A minute after she got in , one of my 'respectable' seniors brazenly remarked ' Hey maama, aa pilla donkey laa undhi' !!!
I lay aghast to the core at the outrageous language that rogue was resorting to !! Quite candidly, I was fully ignorant about the fact that people unhesitatingly make vile comments about the appearance of the opposite sex.

Boiling down to strict facts, the ill-mannered rascal who made that comment himself resembled a monkey with a matted hairstyle and a 'color-guarantee complexion' while the girl who bore that remark happened to be a gifted one with an enormous prowess in holding huge crowds mesmerized with her flawless language. What I still wonder ( after around four years ) is what the heck did that uncultured brute think about himself !! Who did he think he is a spitting-image of ? Imraan or Ranbhir or Ruslaan or was it Siddharth ?? I never understood !!




This incident just kickstarted an almost tumultous emotional reciprocation me which lasted for the next four years, and is sadly still on !! At the summit of exhaustion , I was coerced into questioning myself if the people around me were really qualified to pursue a decent professional course. I always pondered and wondered as to who was it , who actually pressed them into action, shouldering them with a mammoth responsibility spanning from judging the looks of a girl and pronouncing the verdict whether her smile is enchanting or not, to roguishly giving an overall rating of her appearance.





Well, clinging to an all so candid opinion,( trying to ignore the fact that I would draw a lot of flak and brickbats to the following opinion) what I could observe in common among these comment-mongers is 90% of them fall below the mediocre mark and 5% of them barely touch the mediocre mark when it comes to their own looks and appearances. In a way it reminds me of an aphorism which I learnt in my childhood : " Empty vessels make more noise".



There have been numerous occasions where I have been extremely desperate to blurt out and question them, "Oh so you resemble Ranbhir right ? :| ". Handsome guys don't generally , I emphasize, "generally" don't prefer playing judges to others' looks. Even if a good- looking guy disdains the looks of a blonde , the onlookers are atleast left with an option to arrive at a conclusion : ' May be that guy is arrogant about his snazzy look'.

What excuse do the others have when they are on a judging spree , assuring and allowing themselves to pass such abusive remarks round the clock ? Aren't they making a fool of themselves , cutting a very sorry figure of their own selves in public??

Are girls only a source to cause titillations ?? Are they only meant to be ogled at ?? What perturbs me is the fact that the very first thing that crackles to life in our minds when we run into a dame, is how curvaceous or voluptuous or s**y she is !!




Winning dozens of degrees doesn't suffice. There is more to life than casting amorous glances at every woman. It's about being able to treat everyone equally as humanbeings and definitely not as things which satisfy carnal pleasures.












Desire when you deserve.

Judge only when you are qualified to.



Regards

What does the train know ??

"Hey Tarun, let's go to the railway station. Renuka Aunty and Pratima are coming down to Hyderabad to spend their vacation."

" Railway Station ?? Wow !!!! Wonderful dad !!!! I'll get ready in a minute !!! "

For so many years , the term 'railway station' either meant receiving relatives or setting out on tours.. The very phrase 'railway station' would unflinchingly trigger a rather unusual biological mechanism in my body, which would cause the flooding of the adrenaline reservoir , making it inevitable for me to flash a broad and toothy grin , and which would force me to let out a holler in supreme excitement..More fascinating and intriguing to me was the 'railway jargon', what I call.. The words 'arrival', 'departure' , 'platform number', ' luggage' , 'super-fast express' would sometimes oblige me to serenade even to the sorrowful muzak being perennially played on Doordarshan , so much so ,that I was gifted with a toy train with which I always played 'railway station - railway station'... :D

Those innocent days find a place in the first few leaves of my memorabilia. Over the past few months , the same railway station and the same jargon strangely don't bring about the same reaction in me !! Life is so uncanny I always thought..

Everyday here, I don't hesitate to take some time off to smoothly fly back to July 2nd'09 , Nampally Station , 8:30 pm , Platform Number 1. That day , it seemed to me, as if life was on the cusp of a very impactful change. I had my humongous luggage being stuffed and chained beneath the azure colored berths.. Lucky as I always consider myself, I had all my friends who had come to wave me good bye and to wish me good luck .. Sitting inside the bogie and looking through the window at my family , I realized that I wouldn't be coming back to Hyderabad atleast in the near future..I somehow knew that I wouldn't be able to spend the same quantum of time with my family as I always did.. !!

Finally the clock struck 8:40. The train started moving. I looked into the eyes of my parents. I could then feel a hurricane of emotions within me and my parents as well. I could catch a glimpse of them for a fleeting moment... But living that moment , stifling that hurricane in my heart, which continually threatened me of outbursting , imploring my tear glands not to squirt even a drop of it, atleast for that minuscule moment was so much of an ordeal !!

Not only this , but seeing off Sowmya (long before I started for Poona) and bidding good bye to Divya and Gayathri at the Poona Railway Station was an equally harrowing experience.

I now feel a question constantly irking my brains. 'What does the train know ?' It doesn't know how many hearts it breaks. It zooms its way completely being unconcerned about the despair of a mom who has always shared her grief and petty insecurities with her son and who has never imagined being distanced from him. The flea-ridden train keeps itself aloof from understanding the hassles of a father who is forever apprehensive about his son's well being. It cares a damn to the last warm hug of two lovebirds , who are being dragged apart mercilessly from each other for an unknown amount of time.. The dunderhead train remains unsuccessful in wiping out the tears emanating from the eyes of a dejected sister who'll be missing her brother..

I have now developed a sort of an aversion towards the train itself. I now don't feel an iota of excitement when I go to the station. All I can sense there is a miasma of downcast parents , disappointed friends and teary-eyed siblings.

What does the train know ? All it knows is how to hoot at ear-splitting decibels and carry people across different places.. All it knows is how to callously give a cold shoulder to all the emotional tornadoes happening among thousands of hearts everyday..

Dedicated to

my family,

Cnu , Anil, Bharath , Kiran , Kranthi, Srinivas Reddy, Annapurna, Kalpana ( my dear friends who came to see me off at the station.. My apologies if I am missing out anyone's name. I intend to thank everyone who saw me off that day)

And that enviable pair of lovebirds who got distanced after the training in Poona.

Rare moments of joy..

29th July '09 was the day .. the memory of which has been etched out with immense artistry on the interior of my cardiac, the reminiscence of which shall never be wiped out even by the passage of time. This happens to be the day I received my first pay cheque :-). Those moments when the HR actually handed over the cheque to me, those moments of pride when I held it to myself, the joy which completely ignored the quantum of salary I received, the innocent exuberance with which I called up mom to share my excitement , shall always remain too much for words..

It so happens that during our respective journeys, which are so very diminutive and which are mostly carried out on bumpy roads , forever complete with unjustified , unanticipated and unwarranted speed breakers, it is only preciously rare occasions like these which keep on rejuvenating us and refuelling the 'hope-tank' from time to time.

Too pricey a bargain ...

I've been dwelling here like the proverbial 'frog in the well' for all these years.. This is the place where I started my voyage almost twenty two years ago.. This is where I learnt my morals and values..This is where I cried and laughed , I was dejected and enthused, I lay trounced and also basked in the glory of my success..This is the same place which schooled me in one of the most elite institutions..This is the city which allowed me to graduate from a decent university.. Thanks to this place , I can brag about my priceless family , I can boast of my prized friends, .. Cutting it short, Hyderabad is where I've had my roots for such long a time..Hyderabad is the place which reared me so gingerly and saw me emerge from a rough stone into a polished one !!







I could feel a landmine blast in the interior of my cardiac , when I learnt that I have to cross the frontiers of my city and start a life afresh in a new place only to shape my career.. In today's age where travelling across the seas for settling down permanently has become so commonplace , moving to a mere 12 hr distant city from Hyderabad might not seem a concern to the onlookers at all.. But for someone who has never crossed the borders of Hyderabad too often and who has always been tied inseparably to his family, moving permanently to another city and living on his own without any parental help might seem quite arduous..











Shifting to another place obviously means forsaking so many things which are so very dear to me.. I'll miss the delectable food made by my mom , about which I always groused..I'll miss my comp on which I spend half of my life orkutting and chatting.. I have to forget all the reunions, birthday treats and movies with my school and inter friends with whom I deliberately pick up arguments over petty issues :D


I may not get an opportunity to catch a glimpse of the million-dollar view of those cute little ones playing in the park every evening..Most importantly I am going to terribly miss my mom ,dad and sis with whom I have been living all my life with..




I may not be in town to see the tears of joy and pride in my parents' eyes when I get my first pay..I'll feel the absence of my nieces who call me 'chinanna ' with immense affection.. I am thoroughly sceptical if I'll be able to attend the wedding of that cousin of mine , whom I've built all kinds of houses and wells in the backyard and spent all my summer holidays with.. I don't even know as to when I'll get to see her the next time..Probably by the next time I come to my home town, all my friends will have set out on their own journeys to reach their destinations..




But it dawns on me that there is something which needs urgent importance at this moment which is far above my petty complaints. And that's my career.. The compulsion and need to establish one's own self is probably of paramount importance to anyone..I gradually conclude that my future is just a test of the strength of the very foundation of all the morals , values and lessons I've imbibed in these years.. Not everybody who is close to our heart stays with us forever.. Destiny and time are the most ruthless entities which never allow the anticipated and speculated things to happen.. Their idiosyncrasy is to continually launch missiles of surprises into our lives..With no idea of the amount of time I'd be taking to come back permanently , I feel a prickle of guilt if the bargain for my career has been a bit too pricey..


I look forward to meeting you all through my next post..
Best regards & cheers !

An albatross around my neck ??

My blogspace has undoubtedly been an incredible agony aunt of mine for quite some time.. Oflate I realize that the levels of proximity I share with it are mounting high with such a great pace that any unwarranted speculation of my life taking a sharp swerve or any unjustified premonition of losing out on my prized possessions or just another surge of desire to publicize my guilt pangs would immediately press me to desperately run to my blog with an enormous faith that the massive intensity of all my dismays and apprehensions would forthwith slash down by a hundred times.

This incident which happened a few weeks ago rekindled the torch of discontentment in me which I've always tried to extinguish with a water of stupid reconcilement..

Technical Lead: Ok guys..so your next assignment is on video podcasting where you have to create a video on a topic of your choice.. Ensure that you are in present in the video .. (and the list of requirements were never ending)

All the students: (With that inevitable grin of technical satisfaction) Hey wow !! How interesting is that !! How innovative it is to create a video... How creative is the assignment..How wonderful it is to be present in the video...How beautiful will I look (and the praises for the assignment continued indefinitely to glory)

Looking at my peers who were all so jubilant and excited and especially a girl who was almost ready to start doing the assignment in the office itself with her conspicuous technical hunger, I realized that I did not even have a smidgeon of the technical fervour which my colleagues possessed.

I know it fully well that its an absolute offence to each and every second of the solid 4 years of my engineering when I say that I have no inclination for anything technical..Perhaps I turned out to be an out and out misfit in the firmament of engineering.. I do not know if I even wronged my very decision of taking up engineering six long years ago.. Over and over again I've tried hard to wake up the technical genius in me which is slumbering away to glory, only to emerge as a 'bull in a china shop'. I still fail to understand why I am coerced into concluding that technical stuff is just not my cup of tea !!

And this discontentment tranforms into a terrific anguish when I sincerely share my emotions with my friends and they immediately rubbish it off accusing all my feelings of sheer pretence.. The facts that I've been the topper of my class and that I got placed into a company which conducts an X-ray test of your technical abilities have probably become people's weapon against me !! I have no answer as to how I have a decent aggregate.. I have no answer as to how I topped ..

All I can say is that my interests lie in literary activities.. English has always been my first love..My blog is my best friend..I feel a surge of desire to scale new heights by tapping my skills in writing.. I long to establish my career in the world of literarature..I pray to the Lord Almighty to proffer me a wondrous career in the field I long and excel.. I am scared I might compromise and then convince myself like the other scores of people and finally stick to something I don't enjoy.. By and by I learnt how potent the entity called "TIME" is.. So I bow down my head in total reverence to its supremacy , leaving the fate of my career to it. I now move on with a profound belief that my future is in safe hands..

Tears....... Fears....... Jitters.....

Chafing my long feet were my newly purchased BATA shoes , which successfully augmented my studious appeal , already being radiated by my oiled hair and the neatly pressed formals I donned. September 22nd 2005 was the date.. I still so vividly remember !! This was the day when I actually entered into MGIT , with a thoroughly ungratified, reluctant, demoralised and most importantly, a petrified mindset. Dejected I was because the castles I gingerly built in the air about making it big with BITS had freshly and gracefully dashed into the ground , heinously blowing each and every brick of my elegant dream into smithereens and punching a thousand painful holes in my self confidence..

Having been used to a different aura , the atmosphere here in college appeared to be a little deviated. Thanks to the fluency of my seniors and peers in ribald language , their two-penny jokes about the opposite sex , the eloquent discussions about promiscuity and porn , I landed safe into a mire of promising agony , so much so that I almost forgot to smile. More appalling and excruciating was the humiliation and flak from some of my fellow classmates. It was the last straw when one of the girls openly remarked that my worthlessness would totally ruin the reputation of my class.. Respite from this trauma came in the form of one of my classmates, Sarita. I began to dig into the endless pit and endeavoured to resurrect my long forgotten smiles and laughs. I still remain indebted to this friend of mine who cut jokes and played pranks only to see me smile..

My stupendous success in my first year exams not only torpedoed all the disdainful remarks with its might, but also reinstilled in me a great sense of satisfaction and happiness.

The paradigmatic introvertedness in me began to take a backseat with the majestic entry of my juniors. Its a matter of complete serendipity to have had such lovable and humble juniors who've now occupied a very soft corner in my heart.. Still can't forget their phenomenal cooperation when we had to postpone our freshers party owing to reasons galore.. It was finally a decent success due to loads of supreme cooperation and understanding from them.

I steadily began to realise that most of my classmates possess immaculate hearts. If it wasn't for their gigantic support and unflinching encouragement I couldn't have accomplished anything concrete as the class representative.. I also discovered my latent skills in writing and began to jolt them. Working for the literary department in Qubit for all the 3 years was yet another accomplishment !!

Fun and frolic became a daily phenomenon during my 3rd and 4th years. Bunking classes , the surreptitious munches on toffees during classes, schmoozing away to glory in the retreat , skipping internals, watching movies , gallivanting around the city, mimicking the lecturers .... Aaaah !! Life at its best !!

I frankly hate to digest the fact that my engineering is drawing to an inevitable close..In these four years, I was extolled and humiliated , I was loved and despised , I was emulated and slandered , I was trusted and accused , I was guided and deceived , I was jubilant and dismayed , I was befriended and repudiated, I was called humble by many and supercilious by a few , I was called innocent by pals and flirtatious by others , I lay enthralled by that beautiful zephyr and I was shaken off the ground when it transformed into a tempestuous storm.

Today, there is this fear crawling down my spine , a terrific premonition looming large , the fear of bidding good bye to all my close friends , those friends who've been everything to me !! No matter how hard we try to keep in touch with each other in the near future and no matter how many reunions we organize , will we ever have the same intimacy ?? Will I ever be able to see all 66 classmates together ?? Perhaps some of them might even forget that there existed someone called 'Tarun'..

The terms of life are so stringent that it changes your priorites and preferences every now and then.. Rules in schools , colleges and for that matter , rules laid down by parents can also be flouted.. But can the terms and conditions stipulated by life be broken ?? All I can do now is to simply bow my head in acceptance to those rules of life and move forward reposing all the worthwhile lessons I learnt here..But why can't I turn the clock back and relive all the precious moments of my engineering ?? Why can't anyone out there wipe off that heavy tear trickling down my face when I begin to reminiscence my college days ??

"Kitni Baatein Yaad Aathi Hain.. Tasweer Aisi Ban Jaathi Hain ...Main Kaise Inhe Bhooloon ?? Dil Ko Kya Samjaaon ?? "

My sporadic blues....

It's been quite some time since I've scribbled ... Getting really candid , I started blogging for a very esoteric reason ... a reason which proved to be the most violent thunderclap in these 21 years of my voyage.. a reason which transmogrified me from an extremely patient and soft-spoken person into a rather perturbed and peevish person.. When I felt that my purpose of blogging was most decently, gracefully and successfully done, I observed an out and out childish decision of abandoning blogging ( my first ever meaningful hobby in life I can ever brag about ;) :D ) I observed it so closely that I declared it to the world that I'll never ever resume writing.. My chums who have always been reading these posts, have been really profuse in their praises for my dexterity.. Some of them profess that my blogs have evoked intense emotions from them, a compliment which has been deeply and elegantly carved on my soul.. But I've realized that when the 'target' disregards my very pristine reason and the magnitude of work I've invested, only to get a clean chit , there is practically no point in deserting such an avocation which has earned me a gazillion encomiums..

Well, as a matter of fact , it dawned on me that , not only the world, but my own self dismally fails and flops in understanding my mind set..I've probably become incompetent in tactfully managing the reins of my mind as it has of late become a mayhem..I never know which things shove me into complete exuberance and which things render me demoralised.. The innumerable rendezvous and jaunts with my friends , those seminars and workshops , the impromptu encounters and interactions with strangers , and a lot many similar incidents doubtlessly enlightened me about my fortes and crackled that fire of confidence to life in me, but there have been other countless consequences too !! They also brazenly ripped open to the world .. the areas and aspects in which I can't sail through even with an immense difficulty. These flaws, deficiencies and lacunae in me suddenly began to scratch my rather brittle soul..


Excruciating is the very fact that I am unqualified in doing or performing those things , which the other youngsters can do with great alacrity and perfection.. More traumatizing is that no matter how hard I try to do them, no matter with how much devotion I endeavour to learn them , victory has always eluded me.. Sometimes its this entity called 'destiny' which cruelly deprives me and snatches every opportunity from me, to fill those voids and rejuvenate my disturbed soul.. It has never bequeathed to me those inherent and common likes and preferences which most people have..Nor did it bless me with the requisites to taste success in the areas , I've always tried to excel but failed !! The reasons I state might sound very outlandish to the onlookers who ridicule and sometimes abuse and offend me for those incapabilities, seeking a cozy refuge in me.. I simply can't perform like the others owing to the ineffable and labyrinthine problems which have shackled me entirely..

When I keep nourishing and fortifying myself , when I try to armour myself with valour to collide head on with any onslaught , a single word of opposition or a mere silly prank or remark on any of my flaws kindles that self-deprecating spark in me which gradually musters pace and burns down the confidence I had garnered till that point. But again, a small success or any accolade for my proficiency forthwith pumps my energy levels to the apex !! The last five to six years of this 21 year old journey have introduced me to these vicissitudinous emotions which have not only made me proud and sometimes haughty , but also humbled me by showing the place I belong to !!

After pondering for years , all I could unravel is the trivial fact that there are certain things which are hovering over our human levels of comprehension..Things which can only be resolved when the time is ripe irrespective of the diligence you sport !! With no knowledge about the amount of time it'd be taking for lady luck to smile on me, this is the 'self-deprecating' me , still on a wild goose chase..still exploring myself, still desirous of raising my self esteem and still waiting for the auspicious occasion to consummate my own self ..