It's been quite some time since I've scribbled ... Getting really candid , I started blogging for a very esoteric reason ... a reason which proved to be the most violent thunderclap in these 21 years of my voyage.. a reason which transmogrified me from an extremely patient and soft-spoken person into a rather perturbed and peevish person.. When I felt that my purpose of blogging was most decently, gracefully and successfully done, I observed an out and out childish decision of abandoning blogging ( my first ever meaningful hobby in life I can ever brag about ;) :D ) I observed it so closely that I declared it to the world that I'll never ever resume writing.. My chums who have always been reading these posts, have been really profuse in their praises for my dexterity.. Some of them profess that my blogs have evoked intense emotions from them, a compliment which has been deeply and elegantly carved on my soul.. But I've realized that when the 'target' disregards my very pristine reason and the magnitude of work I've invested, only to get a clean chit , there is practically no point in deserting such an avocation which has earned me a gazillion encomiums..
Well, as a matter of fact , it dawned on me that , not only the world, but my own self dismally fails and flops in understanding my mind set..I've probably become incompetent in tactfully managing the reins of my mind as it has of late become a mayhem..I never know which things shove me into complete exuberance and which things render me demoralised.. The innumerable rendezvous and jaunts with my friends , those seminars and workshops , the impromptu encounters and interactions with strangers , and a lot many similar incidents doubtlessly enlightened me about my fortes and crackled that fire of confidence to life in me, but there have been other countless consequences too !! They also brazenly ripped open to the world .. the areas and aspects in which I can't sail through even with an immense difficulty. These flaws, deficiencies and lacunae in me suddenly began to scratch my rather brittle soul..
Excruciating is the very fact that I am unqualified in doing or performing those things , which the other youngsters can do with great alacrity and perfection.. More traumatizing is that no matter how hard I try to do them, no matter with how much devotion I endeavour to learn them , victory has always eluded me.. Sometimes its this entity called 'destiny' which cruelly deprives me and snatches every opportunity from me, to fill those voids and rejuvenate my disturbed soul.. It has never bequeathed to me those inherent and common likes and preferences which most people have..Nor did it bless me with the requisites to taste success in the areas , I've always tried to excel but failed !! The reasons I state might sound very outlandish to the onlookers who ridicule and sometimes abuse and offend me for those incapabilities, seeking a cozy refuge in me.. I simply can't perform like the others owing to the ineffable and labyrinthine problems which have shackled me entirely..
When I keep nourishing and fortifying myself , when I try to armour myself with valour to collide head on with any onslaught , a single word of opposition or a mere silly prank or remark on any of my flaws kindles that self-deprecating spark in me which gradually musters pace and burns down the confidence I had garnered till that point. But again, a small success or any accolade for my proficiency forthwith pumps my energy levels to the apex !! The last five to six years of this 21 year old journey have introduced me to these vicissitudinous emotions which have not only made me proud and sometimes haughty , but also humbled me by showing the place I belong to !!
After pondering for years , all I could unravel is the trivial fact that there are certain things which are hovering over our human levels of comprehension..Things which can only be resolved when the time is ripe irrespective of the diligence you sport !! With no knowledge about the amount of time it'd be taking for lady luck to smile on me, this is the 'self-deprecating' me , still on a wild goose chase..still exploring myself, still desirous of raising my self esteem and still waiting for the auspicious occasion to consummate my own self ..
