Tears....... Fears....... Jitters.....

Chafing my long feet were my newly purchased BATA shoes , which successfully augmented my studious appeal , already being radiated by my oiled hair and the neatly pressed formals I donned. September 22nd 2005 was the date.. I still so vividly remember !! This was the day when I actually entered into MGIT , with a thoroughly ungratified, reluctant, demoralised and most importantly, a petrified mindset. Dejected I was because the castles I gingerly built in the air about making it big with BITS had freshly and gracefully dashed into the ground , heinously blowing each and every brick of my elegant dream into smithereens and punching a thousand painful holes in my self confidence..

Having been used to a different aura , the atmosphere here in college appeared to be a little deviated. Thanks to the fluency of my seniors and peers in ribald language , their two-penny jokes about the opposite sex , the eloquent discussions about promiscuity and porn , I landed safe into a mire of promising agony , so much so that I almost forgot to smile. More appalling and excruciating was the humiliation and flak from some of my fellow classmates. It was the last straw when one of the girls openly remarked that my worthlessness would totally ruin the reputation of my class.. Respite from this trauma came in the form of one of my classmates, Sarita. I began to dig into the endless pit and endeavoured to resurrect my long forgotten smiles and laughs. I still remain indebted to this friend of mine who cut jokes and played pranks only to see me smile..

My stupendous success in my first year exams not only torpedoed all the disdainful remarks with its might, but also reinstilled in me a great sense of satisfaction and happiness.

The paradigmatic introvertedness in me began to take a backseat with the majestic entry of my juniors. Its a matter of complete serendipity to have had such lovable and humble juniors who've now occupied a very soft corner in my heart.. Still can't forget their phenomenal cooperation when we had to postpone our freshers party owing to reasons galore.. It was finally a decent success due to loads of supreme cooperation and understanding from them.

I steadily began to realise that most of my classmates possess immaculate hearts. If it wasn't for their gigantic support and unflinching encouragement I couldn't have accomplished anything concrete as the class representative.. I also discovered my latent skills in writing and began to jolt them. Working for the literary department in Qubit for all the 3 years was yet another accomplishment !!

Fun and frolic became a daily phenomenon during my 3rd and 4th years. Bunking classes , the surreptitious munches on toffees during classes, schmoozing away to glory in the retreat , skipping internals, watching movies , gallivanting around the city, mimicking the lecturers .... Aaaah !! Life at its best !!

I frankly hate to digest the fact that my engineering is drawing to an inevitable close..In these four years, I was extolled and humiliated , I was loved and despised , I was emulated and slandered , I was trusted and accused , I was guided and deceived , I was jubilant and dismayed , I was befriended and repudiated, I was called humble by many and supercilious by a few , I was called innocent by pals and flirtatious by others , I lay enthralled by that beautiful zephyr and I was shaken off the ground when it transformed into a tempestuous storm.

Today, there is this fear crawling down my spine , a terrific premonition looming large , the fear of bidding good bye to all my close friends , those friends who've been everything to me !! No matter how hard we try to keep in touch with each other in the near future and no matter how many reunions we organize , will we ever have the same intimacy ?? Will I ever be able to see all 66 classmates together ?? Perhaps some of them might even forget that there existed someone called 'Tarun'..

The terms of life are so stringent that it changes your priorites and preferences every now and then.. Rules in schools , colleges and for that matter , rules laid down by parents can also be flouted.. But can the terms and conditions stipulated by life be broken ?? All I can do now is to simply bow my head in acceptance to those rules of life and move forward reposing all the worthwhile lessons I learnt here..But why can't I turn the clock back and relive all the precious moments of my engineering ?? Why can't anyone out there wipe off that heavy tear trickling down my face when I begin to reminiscence my college days ??

"Kitni Baatein Yaad Aathi Hain.. Tasweer Aisi Ban Jaathi Hain ...Main Kaise Inhe Bhooloon ?? Dil Ko Kya Samjaaon ?? "

My sporadic blues....

It's been quite some time since I've scribbled ... Getting really candid , I started blogging for a very esoteric reason ... a reason which proved to be the most violent thunderclap in these 21 years of my voyage.. a reason which transmogrified me from an extremely patient and soft-spoken person into a rather perturbed and peevish person.. When I felt that my purpose of blogging was most decently, gracefully and successfully done, I observed an out and out childish decision of abandoning blogging ( my first ever meaningful hobby in life I can ever brag about ;) :D ) I observed it so closely that I declared it to the world that I'll never ever resume writing.. My chums who have always been reading these posts, have been really profuse in their praises for my dexterity.. Some of them profess that my blogs have evoked intense emotions from them, a compliment which has been deeply and elegantly carved on my soul.. But I've realized that when the 'target' disregards my very pristine reason and the magnitude of work I've invested, only to get a clean chit , there is practically no point in deserting such an avocation which has earned me a gazillion encomiums..

Well, as a matter of fact , it dawned on me that , not only the world, but my own self dismally fails and flops in understanding my mind set..I've probably become incompetent in tactfully managing the reins of my mind as it has of late become a mayhem..I never know which things shove me into complete exuberance and which things render me demoralised.. The innumerable rendezvous and jaunts with my friends , those seminars and workshops , the impromptu encounters and interactions with strangers , and a lot many similar incidents doubtlessly enlightened me about my fortes and crackled that fire of confidence to life in me, but there have been other countless consequences too !! They also brazenly ripped open to the world .. the areas and aspects in which I can't sail through even with an immense difficulty. These flaws, deficiencies and lacunae in me suddenly began to scratch my rather brittle soul..


Excruciating is the very fact that I am unqualified in doing or performing those things , which the other youngsters can do with great alacrity and perfection.. More traumatizing is that no matter how hard I try to do them, no matter with how much devotion I endeavour to learn them , victory has always eluded me.. Sometimes its this entity called 'destiny' which cruelly deprives me and snatches every opportunity from me, to fill those voids and rejuvenate my disturbed soul.. It has never bequeathed to me those inherent and common likes and preferences which most people have..Nor did it bless me with the requisites to taste success in the areas , I've always tried to excel but failed !! The reasons I state might sound very outlandish to the onlookers who ridicule and sometimes abuse and offend me for those incapabilities, seeking a cozy refuge in me.. I simply can't perform like the others owing to the ineffable and labyrinthine problems which have shackled me entirely..

When I keep nourishing and fortifying myself , when I try to armour myself with valour to collide head on with any onslaught , a single word of opposition or a mere silly prank or remark on any of my flaws kindles that self-deprecating spark in me which gradually musters pace and burns down the confidence I had garnered till that point. But again, a small success or any accolade for my proficiency forthwith pumps my energy levels to the apex !! The last five to six years of this 21 year old journey have introduced me to these vicissitudinous emotions which have not only made me proud and sometimes haughty , but also humbled me by showing the place I belong to !!

After pondering for years , all I could unravel is the trivial fact that there are certain things which are hovering over our human levels of comprehension..Things which can only be resolved when the time is ripe irrespective of the diligence you sport !! With no knowledge about the amount of time it'd be taking for lady luck to smile on me, this is the 'self-deprecating' me , still on a wild goose chase..still exploring myself, still desirous of raising my self esteem and still waiting for the auspicious occasion to consummate my own self ..

Getting consanguineous...

Well I always keep wondering as to why my beliefs and judgements hardly match with those of the others.The way I think and reason out very often discords with atleast 90% of the crowd around me. But now I am sure, atleast 99% of the people might not hesitate to pick on this post of mine. My sole intention of releasing this post is not to discourteously scoff at people , but only to understand the mysterious and knotty logic behind this tradition which we've been following since eons.

So the concept of 'consanguineous marriages' is something the society is very much cognizant of and is quite customary especially in the southern part of India. 'Consanguineous marriages' refer to marriages between first cousins(being precise , it refers to marriages between people related by blood). According to this practice , a guy is weaponed with a birth right to wed his dad's sister's daughter or his mom's brother's daughter (provided she is younger to him). MOst people are such staunch followers of this custom that they often settle such marriages even when their children are just infants. Parents brazenly discuss the so called impending wedding in the presence of their wards, all throughout their childhood, completely unconcerned about the fact that are mere kids. They begin to tame , train and mould their children's clay minds, persuading and convincing the little ones that they are made only to live together, fully ignoring their age group and levels of comprehension.

Being quite candid, I've found this theory completely devoid of logic. To all those people who fully second this phenomenon , I have a very cogent question to ask. " When your dad's brother's daughter (or mom's sister's daughter) is considered to be your sister, why is it that there is a dreadful change of relationship when it comes to your dad's sister's daughter (or mom's brother's daughter). As a matter of fact , be it my dad's brother or my dad's sister , they are indeed siblings to each other and their children definitely comprise my loving cousins. How different is the latter cousin from the former ?? MY eyes, surprisingly see no concrete difference in these relationships. If the former can be my sister who affectionately sends me a rakhi each year, so can the latter be !!!

Such relations among cousins somehow sounds abysmal to me and Iam in full agreement with the North Indians who denounce this very concept. In the North, children of one's aunt or one's uncle are treated as ' brothers and sisters' without any outrageous and mindless discrimation.

This practice is so deep rooted in our society that though parents play no role in such marriages , the children have no qualms in following it. They seem to possess that implicit and inherent right which encourages them to eye each other right from the beginning. Why do I feel that these people are light years away from logic ??? Why do certain parents swear to perform consanguineous marriages completely being indifferent about their children's future likes and dislikes ?? Why do even the educated decide to get along with a consanguineous relation despite knowing the fact that they might be hazarding their own health ??? Why is that people don't question the vacuous existence of traditions ?? They seem to blindly and merrily follow them just because they have been in practice since ages.

Its high time parents stopped being the cause for the unreasoned fondness the kids begin to develop for each other, when they don't even know what the institution of 'marriage' means.

P.S. : My sincere apologies to those whose beliefs might have been hurt by the above brusque remarks.

The Limitless Idiocy....

Hitherto, the waves carrying the sound "wedding" , which when used to vibrate my tympanic membrane would render me fully exuberant. The merriment in me would overstep all bounds as I would be equipped with total liberty to devour the choicest of foods and drinks to my heart's content. That delight and joy probably bear ample testimony to the immeasurable innocence I used to house during my salad days.But as the childish glutton in me began to die down and as my ability to comprehend the world began to garner power, that childish emotion I was talking about, sadly, is no longer in its cheerful existence.

With so many cousins and friends of mine, having attained marriageable age , I witness marriages being solemnized almost every week. One day , I happened to attempt a closer and careful observation of how exactly a match is okayed. To my sheer horror, I found that the the way a marriage is settled is fraught with supreme idiocy. Appalled to the highest degree, I realized that the people who are getting bound by wedlock are absolute strangers to each other !!! Then I could sense my brain fountaining a deluge of questions. When we are so particular of choosing our 'friends' whose mindset and wavelength matches with that of ours, who apparently belong to our age group , who mostly belong to the same gender as we and who stay with us only from morning to evening on any typical working day in college, how particular and careful should we be while finding a soul mate ???? In any class of students , its quite an open secret that there do exist cold vibes among students often leading to dirty skirmishes in the campus. A girl not being able to stand her own benchmate or a guy not being able to get along with his group is all so ubiquitous.

When a person cannot mingle with his own classmates, whom he knows for quite some time , whom he keeps meeting everyday and who are as old as he , then how risky and hazardous is uniting two strangers who do not know each others' tastes and preferences , views and opinions and each others' behaviour. I mean , just look at how a guy or girl zeroes in on his/her soulmate : 'A mere glance at a photograph and probably a visit to the would-be in-laws' place'. Doesn't it bear close resemblance to selecting a T Shirt from a shop ?? Are we actually choosing a person or picking up an apparel??

When I went around questioning the stupidity of these traditions, the elderly people had to say that when wards get married to a person of their parental choice , its a matter of great pride to them , as their children have awarded importance and immense respect to parental opinion. Another intricacy embedded is the concept of endogamy(marrying people from within the caste). Even today , marrying a girl/guy from another caste is considered to be a sin and would invite banishment from certain communities. It is opined that the task of understanding the traditions and customs for the incoming girl/guy wouldn't be an issue . God Help Me !!!! To hell with castes and creeds. The prerequisite for a marriage to happen , is that the views and opinions of both the groom and bride match , irrespective of the caste or religion they belong to. The most important tradition or custom to be followed is the entity called 'happiness'. All our life, we are taught the concepts of individuality and unfortunately individuality during marriage is puked at.

To those elders who say " Though we didn't know much of each other then, are we not happy today ??" , I'd like to ask them " Do you have an option ??" The mindless society of ours has made this divine institution more of a compromise. If giving importance to parental choice is an issue , then I would ask all such parents to go and gingerly select friends for their wards too. How long will we be forced to select our companions in excruciating parent-chaperoned tea sessions ??? How and why can parents conclude that such and such a girl is the best choice for their son , completely dismissing off his choice . When will wisdom dawn on our society ?? Had there been no barriers of caste and religion , no torturous parental glare, imagine how many people would have been happy with the companions of their choice ?? Let us not make 'marriage' a matter of selfish parental pride and ego. Let us respect the likes and preferences of individuals giving them complete freedom of choice , dumping this very atrocious concept of endogamy and forced parental opinion into total oblivion.

Having turned 21 ..

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!<:-P..............A1...:D " Here I stand tall , by the 21st milestone of my life, carrying an onerous satchel , full of memories, with a supremely humdrum realization that these 21 years have just zoomed past in a jiffy. When I turn back and look at the road I've been traversing since 21 years ,I notice that this road wasn't all that smooth , and at the same time , it wasn't all that bumpy either. The decent number of accomplishments I've had, undoubtedly keep my spirits soaring high in the sky , but all the indecencies , follies and gaffes I've made leave me in a melange of emotions. I feel a strong urge to turn the clock back and merrily correct those mistakes which often keep plaguing my soul. Some of those absurd acts of mine , may not be seem justified to the onlookers, who accuse me that I wasn't right at a particular point of time. I would like to tell them all that perhaps I wasn't right at certain points, but at the same time , I wasn't wrong too. The biggest supreme court I can ever face is my own conscience and which is why convincing my own self is of paramount importance to me. Once I am able do this, then I quit justifying myself and also cease shouting from the rooftops that I am not all that bad.

As a child, I was greatly enamoured of cakes, celebrations , confetti, festoons and gifts. But as I grew older, I could gradually discern it's diminishing magnitude. Today , my birthday is just like any other day except for the fact that I become the cynosure of all eyes for a few hours. My birthday this year,I thought, should be something different from the other ones. I firmly resolved that I should be doing something which I never did till date. This might seem a little weird an act to be done on one's birthday, but its quite necessary that I do. Its very essential that I pay a tribute to all my friends who've been everything to me. I'd love to dedicate this post of mine , to those six jewels who were always with me through thick and thin. In this world which is forever permeated with a stench of selfishness and envy, it's only these friends of mine , who always wish that I ride the elevator to the floor of success.

These six people comprise two of my school mates( Aashu and Praveen), my cousin 'Sowmya'(she is more of a friend than a cousin), this guy 'cnu ' ,whom I unfortunately( :D :D )met in my intermediate( bears a great resemblance to me , we share the same birthday too !!! ), Divya ( the best gift which my engineering bestowed on me) and that very special jewel, who was there for a short time, but had always acted as a sponge, absorbing all my petty little inconveniences with immense forbearance.

These are the people whose company pumps my energy levels to the summit at a breakneck pace. I reside in this small but beautiful world with immeasurably high spirits, with no fear of being bogged down and ofcourse with an unreasonable possessiveness about them.:) ;) Can anyone be luckier than me ?? Noooo... So a very jumbo thankyou to all those precious friends of mine. And a cute budday hug to cnu too :) :)

Give us some respite !!!!

Opinionated as always , I always believed that the only route to realize my dream is diligence and nothing else. A staunch aficionado of Swami Vivekananda as I am , I firmly reposed faith in 'pluck' and blithely dismissed the existence of the entity called 'luck'. Never did my mind ever think of the 'indelible writings on one's forehead' and the inexorability of something called 'fate'. The values which my school had injected into my mind, the copious poems and stories I have been absorbing over these years have probably tailored my mindset to rule out the existence of the entities called 'destiny', 'fate' and 'luck'. But why do I see that the profound beliefs which I've been nurturing since years galore , have now begun to shudder. ?? I somehow realize that the potency of the practical experiences and that of the daily happenings has now started to gradually dislodge my deep rooted beliefs and impressions.

The origin of these practical lessons traces its way back to 2003 , the year I took my Class X exams.I still remember how horrendously I worked to secure a 90% mark and I finally scored something less than what I deserved. Something similar happened during my intermediate course. Right from the first year,I was focussed and determined to pursue my studies in BITS. I successfully secured a decent 98% which was adequate to fetch me a seat in BITS. That very year, BITS changed the mode of admission and started conducting online entrance tests. I was finally forced to take up engineering in a college which I didn't even know. My experiences in engineering have never been all that bitter. This joy was pretty ephemeral as efforts didn't fructify for long. All of a sudden my aggregate took a sharp nosedive without any concrete reason. These are just a few instances of my academic experiences. There have been excruciating experiences in my personal life as well. Certain things which I yearn for , cannot just come to me for no proper reason. Thanks to the intricacies and complications which can never be understood.

If everything were in my own hands, why is it I don't get what I deserve at times ?? Why do I get dragooned into doing something which I abhor ?? Why do I always have to change myself or convince my own self ??? Why do I feel that there is a supreme and massive force which monitors the whole universe ?? Probably it is this colossal force that decides every human being's life. Is it the same entity to which we are always forced to succumb ?? The words destiny , fate and luck refer to the merciless and heinous decisions taken by this juggernaut. Is it that we minions can only make untiring efforts and then seek the approval of this adamantine power???

Many a time ,its ferociousness reaches the acme. Its appalling to note that this entity ,in disguise of Nature savages lakhs of people , renders thousands of them homeless , and doesn't rest until it sees it to it that they starve to death . Is it only that this great power is arrogant of its enormousness ?? If that is so , I hereby question its very wont of preconceiving our future. "Give people what they want if they truly deserve it.. What kind of contentment do you get out of snatching away our dreams and joys ?? You don't even deign to spare poor little children . How arrogant and heartless can you get ?? What right have you got to make and then mercilessly break relationships ??? Oh mighty force, preserve and maintain your supremacy by developing something called 'magnanimousness', lest people's faith in you should gradually get eroded. " is all I want to say.

The realization .... still eludes ???

Well this particular aspect of our Indian Society has always left me infuriated .. I've always denounced it since my childhood .. and even today when I notice people seriously discussing it , I feel an irresistible urge to display the mastery I possess over abuses and then plant a decent kick on their backs .. The movie ' Dasavataram' which I recently watched is no doubt one of the pathetic and wretched movies ever , but it successfully fanned the protesting spark me in to a bright flame which provoked me to pen it down..

The movie went back to the 12th century and portrayed the protagonist as a staunch ' Vaishnavaite' and the wicked king as a 'Shaivaite'. I was surprised to notice that the whole audience was applauding its way to glory when the protagonist uttered the words ' Om Namo Narayanaya' , which was considered morally offensive to the institution of Lord Shiva . He eventually gets tortured and killed in the most brutal way for hurting the religious sentiments of the king. Innocently , I turned to my cousin and asked her as to how different the words ' Om Nama Siva' are from those uttered by the hero. She then went on to explain the feud between the two communities - the Vaishnavaites and the Shaivaites. Strangely, I saw nothing heroic in what the protagonist did ( as opposed to what the audience felt). On the contrary, I was extremely appalled and felt that both the hero and king were supremely and equally insane. "How the heck could people belonging to the same religion raise voices over trivial arguments about sects ??? " ,was the immediate question which occurred to me. And then my cousin whispered into my ears " As if the society has changed today.." Is it not alarming that it's been 8 to 9 centuries hence and we are still the same ??? Hat's off to the determination and obstinacy of we people who have vowed not to budge from our stand and who have still chosen to wallow in a world infested with so called castes and religions.

The fact that people haven't changed an iota since centuries shoved me into a rude shock !! Any sermon or any seminar which we attend these days start off with the hackneyed phrase ' the advancements of science and technology are ...'. But nobody ever bothers about the maturity and broad-minded attitude which most people have failed to acquire over the times. Something more horrendous is the fact that even the educated lot is no better !! I still remember those early days of my college ,when people unhesitatingly came to me and enquired the caste I belonged to. Is it so important an attribute to be found out from your fellow classmates ?? I mean, as long as I am a human being with two legs and hands , how does the sect I come from ever matter ??? I definitely don't belong to the class of reptiles or animals , if the case were, would have seemed justified for a person to question my presence in the classroom . Yet another boon of the ' advancement of technology' are the social networking sites like orkut !! The 21st century's high-tech users with a so called 'cool attitude' have brazenly incorporated caste-centric communities which work for a 'very phenomenal' cause of bringing together people of the same sect, whose only goal would be to mindlessly glorify their respective classes. Worst still , they have no qualms in associating themselves with certain noble virtues , which they claim are categorical identities to their respective clans.

I was in for a sweet surprise on the day of Krishnashtami when I spotted my aunt's muslim maid paying her due respects to the footprints of Lord Krishna. When someone like her,who unfortunately couldn't get herself educated , could be so magnanimous and pure at heart , why is it that the fully educated class of people still resort to such atrocious gaffes ???

When shall we stop judging others by their castes ?? When will we begin to broaden our horizons of thinking ?? Why do I still notice people trumpeting the achievements of their class and demeaning the occupation of the others ?? Why is it that even the elite conform to the notion of endogamy?? How long would it still take for people to dump this abysmal concept into oblivion ??
Just imagine a world which is shorn of all possible communities and religions , which is complete with pure happiness and brotherhood and where all of us belong only to the species of 'human-beings'.

Let me now quote a dialogue from one of the superhits of telugu cinema which has enormously inspired me " Prapanchamantha oka kutumbam : vasudaika kutumbam" .. Is this realization going to elude us for the centuries to come ??? Hope not !!